A few days ago I had a conversation with my friend.
She’s going through a tough time mentally and says “Nothing makes me happy anymore”.
She says none of the things that used to make her happy earlier is making her happy now.
She’s a swiftie and so when I asked her whether she listened to Taylor Swift’s new album, The Tortured Poets Department, she said she hadn’t even had the heart to listen to it.
I usually only listen to my friends and don’t try to give them any ‘advice’.
But having gone through something similar in the past where I too was too scared of my own thoughts, not having any positive feeling or even one positive thought, no sleep, no appetite, and then having come out through it, I told her just this one thing that I know to be true.
To not be too concerned with happiness and instead embrace everything without judgment.
And so in today’s newsletter, I wanted to write more on this- on the topic of happiness.
And when the topic of happiness comes, suffering too is sure to come.
We’re indeed born here to be our most joyful, happy and authentic selves, but I also want you to know that happiness is not to be thought of as our default emotion and feeling.
We’re human beings and as beings, we’re here to experience all the different states of being- Being happy, being sad, being joyful, being elated, being angry, being loved or simply, just being.
Suffering is as much a part of life as happiness and when we fail to accept this basic truth we end up suffering much more.
We’re here to be happy, but…
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We’re here to be happy, but we’re also here to suffer when there is something to suffer.
But I think we suffer much more not so much by our sufferings, but by our wanting to not suffer the least.
We keep thinking, “I should not be feeling this”
“This should not be happening”
“Why am I not happy?”
“I want to be happy now”
And this makes us suffer much more.
The Recipe for unhappiness
Wanting almost always never brings peace and happiness. It only causes more suffering.
The more we resist what is happening in the present and want to feel something other than what we’re feeling, the more we end up unhappy.
So yes, I can’t tell you the recipe for happiness, but the recipe for unhappiness is this:
- Not wanting and
- Wanting something else other than what it is.
If you take a closer look at whatever it is that is making you sad, it will always have its roots in “I don’t” and “I want”
“I don’t want this….”
“I don’t want to be….”
“I don’t want to feel…”
“I don’t like this”
&
“I want this to happen instead”
“I want to reach here..”
“I want to get this…”
“I want to be happy… I want to have a relationship… want to be more successful…”
Wanting something in itself is of course not bad.
It is how we aspire. It is what ambitions are made of.
But when we get caught up in unawareness of our wants and end up comparing, criticising, complaining and resenting things because we don’t have what we want, and don’t want what we have, then that becomes a cause of suffering and unhappiness.
We need to learn how to want something while being grateful for what we have and while blessing our journey instead of being too caught up with the destination.
We need to learn that we can want something AND accept the present moment at the same time.
But first, we need to let go of the constant pressure to be happy always or the need to be happy right now.
So I want to tell you, or rather ask you,
“Can you stop pressuring yourself to be happy right now, and instead accept this present moment as it is?”
“Is it possible for you to accept your suffering, your sadness and just embrace it all with love and compassion instead of judgement and criticism?”
All feelings, whether good or bad, are simply feelings and nothing more.
We give them the judgement of being good and bad and discriminate between them.
They are neither good nor bad.
If you can stop discriminating between your feelings or even your thoughts, you will be much more at peace.
If you’re unhappy, acknowledge first that you’re unhappy and be aware of your unhappiness and sadness in you.
You are not your feelings
Stop saying “I am unhappy” because your feelings are not YOU. They are just feelings.
Instead, you say, “This is a sadness that I am feeling”
When I am sad or feeling low, I tell myself, “Right now it’s like this and it’s okay”
This makes me accept my feelings gracefully with compassion.
Even though I may not end up being happy then and there, I at least don’t make myself suffer more and I come to handle my feelings and situation better.
I have come to realize that we do always have a choice every moment.
We can go on sulking, resenting and making our suffering worse, or we can tell ourselves,
“Well right now this is how it is and I accept this present moment just as it is.”
This does not mean that if something is wrong, you don’t try to make a change at all.
Instead, you learn to make a change accepting the present moment, not resenting what happened or what hasn’t happened; not resenting what you did or did not do in the past; but simply making a change as you take care of each present moment.
And as you take care of the present again and again and again, the future will take care of its own.
…….
I could go on talking about happiness, but I am going to end it here.
Before ending, I want to say that awareness is crucial here.
Just being aware that you are unhappy or angry or whatever you’re feeling is progress too.
Remember, you don’t always have to feel happy and positive.
Our task here is just to be true to the present and accept whatever is happening inside and outside us.
By being aware you can then make a choice.
But without awareness, acceptance can never come. And without acceptance, peace can never come.
I am saying peace here, instead of happiness, because peace is much more easy to come and is much more withstanding.
And when you’re at peace- with even your sadness or any of your emotions, you don’t have to worry so much about happiness.
Happiness will come when it has to.
Let it come when it has to.
You simply be at peace with this present moment and keep on taking care of the NOW.
Peace is so much greater than happiness.
xx
P.S This was a part from my Mindful Monday Newsletter. If you liked what you read and want to receive my updates, join below. It would be wonderful to have you ❤️
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