I turned 33 last week, on January 13th.
At 33, I’m still a far cry from the woman I want to be, but I must acknowledge that I have come a long way from who I used to be.
Recently, I’ve been noticing a trend. Everyone is sharing their 2016 story- how they looked back then and who they used to be.
This was me in 2016.
It’s hard to believe that 2016 was ten years ago.
In 2016, I was 23 years old.
I was two years late in doing my master’s degree because I had dropped out of college in my second year when I decided to change my discipline from Economics to Sociology.
All my friends had completed their postgraduation by then, while I was just graduating from college in 2016.
So, 2016 was the year I joined my master’s degree at North Bengal University in my hometown.
I began the year in Bodhgaya, the land of Buddha’s enlightenment, doing my first Vipassana meditation.
In a way, it was my first solo travel because although I had gone there with my family, they left and I stayed back to complete the Vipassana.
I remember 2016 as a very heavy year for me.
It had been just a year since my father had passed away, and the grief was still very fresh.
My father struggled with depression and substance abuse for most of his life. He went in and out of rehab almost all his life.
He wasn’t a bad person, but I carried a lot of grief- grief about how I could have been a better daughter, how I could have given him more grace and understanding.
It was only later, as I grew, that I learned to see things from his point of view.
For most of my teenage years, I carried so much shame surrounding him that I didn’t want my father to be introduced to my friends or people in my life.
Now, I wonder why.
Still, I try to give myself grace and soften my judgment.
After Vipassana, my awareness grew, and my inner thoughts became clearer, but I made a mistake.
I saw that many of my inner thoughts weren’t good or positive.
I realised I wasn’t as good as I believed myself to be, as my inner motivations became visible.
And instead of meeting that awareness with gentleness and kindness, I met myself with criticism and shame.
By July 2016, I found myself knee-deep in depression, anxiety, and insomnia.
I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t smile.
The sensations were too heavy, too intense.
There was a constant sound of my heart pounding, almost beating like drums, and I couldn’t even locate where the fear was coming from or what it was about.
Because of the heart pounding, I couldn’t sleep.
I felt like I had a thousand knots in my heart. I noticed myself clenching my fists and jaw unconsciously. I was terrified.
I was also terrified thinking if this depression could be hereditary and that I was turning into my father.
So 2016 was the year I went through something that made me feel like I might die.
But by the end of 2016, I finally understood what I had been doing wrong.
I was being too harsh with myself, too unkind, too critical.
2016 was the first time I realised that I don’t have to believe all of my thoughts, and that my mind, most of the time, is a liar.
By the end of that year, I learned to meet myself with kindness.
In many ways, it was kindness and compassion toward myself that saved me.
I learned that just because I have negative thoughts doesn’t mean I’m a bad person.
I learned that just because I have some negative habits, they do not define my identity.
I learned that I can change,
and that change must come
Not from criticism or shame, but from love.
Not to become someone else, but to become who I truly am.
So, 2016 was a deeply transformational year for me.
And now, ten years later, my 33-year-old self has so much to say to my 23-year-old self.
I want to give her love.
Give her grace.
And give her deep appreciation.
At 23, I didn’t know I would face a major heartbreak after years of loving, and then come out of it with grace.
At 23, I didn’t know I would outgrow friendships from school, part ways, and not even be a part of their weddings.
At 23, I didn’t know I wouldn’t be married by 30, even though I had plans to be married and have a child by then.
At 23, I didn’t know that I would still be struggling with and learning many of the same lessons.
Life didn’t turn out exactly as planned.
But at 33, I have learned impermanence, acceptance, grace, and letting go of societal expectations and timelines.
And here are all the good things I didn’t know either.
At 23, I didn’t know I would one day be writing about this and offering hope.
At 23, I didn’t know I would start a blog and that lakhs of people would read it (so far more than a million people have read my blog since starting in 2020)
At 23, I didn’t know I would do well in my studies and graduate as a gold medalist.
At 23, I didn’t know I had the courage to travel solo and love it.
At 23, I didn’t know I would rebuild my old home at 32 and buy another property.
At 23, I didn’t know all the ways I would make my mother proud, but I knew I wanted to.
At 23, I didn’t know all the people I would meet who would come to matter so deeply.
At 23, I didn’t know how much I would learn about love and myself.
There is still a long way to go, and all the things I will be telling myself again after a decade, when I am 43.
But today, I want to offer myself deep appreciation.
Thank you, me.
I invite you to do the same.
xx
P.S This was a part from my Mindful Monday Newsletter. To receive my newsletter directly to your inbox, subscribe below. It would be wonderful to have you ❤️
Journal Prompt of the Week
Table of Contents
What would your present-day self lovingly tell the version of you from ten years ago?
Blog Post of the Week
Quote of the Week
One from Others
If I insist on being pessimistic, there is always tomorrow. Today I am blessed
— Maya Angelou
One from me
Our own life is proof of God.
This much for today!
I wish you a wonderful week ahead
Love and regards,
Vishaka
Past Newsletters you might like:
This read felt like a warm hug, Di. I’ve also had times when I worry about the future too much, but reading this made me feel that despite all the worries, life has its own way of unfolding itself for us. I’ve grown from who I was in 2016, and I still have so much more to grow. Thank you so much, and sending you my best wishes too 🤍💚
Thank you so much baini. Much love and best wishes to you too <3