Hello dear reader,
Here’s to another week.
Today, my thoughts are circling around people who leave- it may be friends we outgrew, a lover we parted ways with, a parent with whom we have a strained relationship, or anyone who once meant something to us but is no longer in our lives.
We often talk about the grief of losing someone to death, but not enough about the grief of losing someone who is still alive but no longer in our lives.
This grief is real, too. It is painful, and it hurts. You cannot quite locate the pain, but it is there.
When I went through a breakup with my boyfriend of seven years last year, something that stung me was how he was still there, yet not there.
The person exists somewhere in the world, you know their home, you know what they must be doing, but they no longer exist in your days. They are present, yet absent. Alive, yet unreachable.
Sometimes you feel that it could have been better if you had been hurt physically, because then, at least you would know how and when it would heal.
But with heartbreak and loss, you go through something so uncertain, so invisible.
You cannot locate where exactly it hurts, and yet it does.
I came to know this kind of grief is called ambiguous loss.
When we go through something like this, we feel so alone. Yet, I believe it is something we all experience at some point in our lives.
People leave us, and sometimes, we, too, are the ones who leave.
A few weeks back, one of my recently graduated student came to me and shared how her friends abandoned her over a petty issue.
I knew her friends too, since they were all my students.
Throughout the three years of college, they were inseparable, sharing the same bench and always together, talking and laughing.
But just when the final days of college life were near, they had a small misunderstanding, and all of her friends got together and cut her off.
Without proof, they assumed she had stolen money, and a friendship of three years broke apart.
She expressed her grief and how unexpected it was, especially coming from one friend she had considered her best friend.
“Ma’am, it’s okay that others doubted me, but I just can’t believe that even she didn’t believe me,” she said.
Her grief was not just over losing friends, but over the betrayal of someone she thought understood her heart.
She kept questioning herself, wondering how her closest friend could have misunderstood her, too.
But I guess that’s just how it is.
No matter how close you are with someone, or how long you’ve spent together, some people will still not understand your heart.
I, too, have felt a similar sort of friendship breakup with my childhood friends.
We had grown up together, yet in my 20s, I found that we had outgrown each other and the bond we once shared in our school days no longer felt the same.
But still, whether it’s a friendship breakup or heartbreak, the grief is not only about the person leaving.
It’s about the countless memories that cannot be recreated, the bond that once was, the laughter that once ached your belly, the version of you that you were with them (that too cannot be recreated), and the future you imagined with them.
If you’re going through something like this, I want to remind you: feeling this grief is not weakness. It is simply how we experience love and loss.
We grieve because they mattered.
We grieve because there was love in our hearts.
We grieve because we thought they would always be in our lives.
To become a stranger again with someone with whom you once shared your days is one of the hardest things.
But there are no wrong feelings. There are only feelings.
And if you gave your all, and yet they chose to disregard you, then you choosing yourself and not letting their actions define you is what makes you high value.
Walking away from someone who does not understand your heart is an act of bravery.
Not begging, not bargaining, is an act of dignity.
This is something I am proud of myself for, and you should be proud of too, if you’ve ever walked away from someone who meant something to you, even with a heart full of grief.
Maybe this is also why I am, and so many women everywhere, are so happy for Taylor Swift’s engagement.
She was unbreakable. She transformed every pain and heartbreak into something cathartic.
Slowly, it passes. Slowly, you heal.
Forgiveness may come before forgetfulness, or the other way around.
Whatever the case, slowly the sting lessens with time.
The opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. And slowly, it (or they) won’t matter to you anymore.
But until then, allow me to share some gentle reminders for your gentle heart.
1. Heartbreak and betrayal, in some form or another, are facts of life. You cannot escape life without them. No matter how much time you spend with someone, sometimes they still won’t understand you. It doesn’t mean anything about you, or even about them. It’s simply their capacity at that point in time.
2. How much they loved or understood you is how much they could love or understand. You cannot ask for more. Love and understanding have to come from their heart.
3. The reasons they leave are their own and do not tell anything about you or your worth. You are the same before you met them and the same even after they leave. Your worth does not fluctuate with their coming or leaving.
4. Self-love and self-friendship go a long way. Love yourself as you would love your dearest friend. Be gentle with yourself. Take care of yourself.
5. Choose people who choose you. Be with someone who shows that love isn’t just a feeling but a verb.
6. Love should feel like a good inhale and exhale, not breathlessness and anxiety.
7. Whatever is causing you to lose sleep and disturbing your peace of mind is too expensive to be in your life. Allow yourself to leave what is not serving you. Learn who deserves to sit at your table and who doesn’t. Ask yourself, “Is this really good for me?” Your heart already knows the answer.
8. There are still so many people you haven’t met who will come to mean so much to you.
I used to think that my ex would always be a part of my life and that he knew all the people in my life. He knew all my relatives, all my friends, acquaintances and everything about what’s happening in my life. I used to think that’s it. But now, just a year later, I’ve formed new, wonderful friendships and closeness with people he doesn’t even know.
He doesn’t know about Peggy, Priti didi, my neighbour granny, how close I’ve become with Dikcha and her mum, and so many other people.
This reminded me of how life still has so many connections waiting for us, and it’s never ‘the end’ like our mind tries to convince us.
9. Become someone who does not settle for less. Someone who knows exactly what she/he want. Someone radiant and tall, yet down to earth; strong yet soft; gentle yet unshakable; independent yet deeply connected; grounded yet full of dreams.
10. Lastly, be open to love when it finds you. Never be done with love, or friendship or trust. Never close your heart just because someone betrayed you or broke your heart. Choose to love. Choose to trust again. Choose to build friendships. Life is too wonderful not to give another try. Life is too full of love. Never dull your heart or make it bitter.
xx
Journal Prompt of the Week
Table of Contents
There is wisdom in our goodbyes that helps us grow into who we’re becoming.
- What are the lessons you learned from someone who left?
- What are the lessons you learned when you were the one who left?
Blog Post of the Week
- 7 Signs You’re Outgrowing a Friendship
- “I don’t know what to do with my life”- what to know and do
Quote of the Week
One from Others
“People say that love is rare. I am not so sure. What is rare is something even more desirable. Understanding. There is no point in being loved if you are not understood. They are simply loving an idea of you they have in their mind. They are in love with love. They are in love with their loving. To be understood. And not only that, but to be understood and appreciated once understood. That is what matters.”
— Matt Haig
One from me
“I never give you what I think you deserve.
I give you what you think you deserve.”
—Universe
This much for today!
I wish you a wonderful week ahead
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